Boring Bob

In the land of where Bob lived there were laws against fun. Yes I know it sounds silly but it’s true. They even had fun detectors stationed here and there to keep everybody in line. Children were the first to go; they deported them to a land far away. It was scary, but easily avoided as Bob found out. Bob was the only one left when the emperor was overthrown years later. You could almost say that he was the emperor of boredom since he is the only one that had lasted.

Bob had a wife once, but she was just too much fun and eventually got taken away. Bob would have forced himself to have fun so he could be with her again but he was just too scared.

Bob remembered the day they took her away. It was just another boring day, like always. In fact there was really no reason for the incident, none that Bob could think of anyways. He had gone to work like he had every other boring day of his life, careful to always avoid any fun. It helped that his boss was long winded Lenny and he often helped Bob to stay focused on boredom.

That night he came home to his wife. She normally had dinner ready to go, as well as plenty to say about her boring day. But this day was so different. Apparently she had burned dinner. She said she wasn’t sure how it had happened. One minute she had put the chicken in the pan, the next minute it was burning. She cried about it as Bob held her. At least it wasn’t something fun he thought with relief when he heard her cry turn into a giggle. Bob froze. Then another giggle, and before he knew it she was laughing so hard she could not breathe. “No honey, you can’t!” He pleaded, then again demanding “Stop it, they’ll take you away!” She didn’t stop, she just laughed and laughed.

Well the fun detectors pinged off the chart that day. It was only a few hours before the police came to make an investigation. Bob invited the police in. They asked a few questions, and before they left Bob’s wife couldn’t help but laugh about it all. They took her away immediately. Bob barely got a word in before she was gone. He was so heart broken that he couldn’t help but be even less fun then he was before.

Years later when the emperor fell and the world was a much more jovial place Bob was still the same. He was as boring and unfun as ever. He was asked by a neighbor girl (Jovial Jenny) how he could be so boring all the time. “Oh, it’s quite simple if you focus on the right things” he said.

Jenny asked, “What about an amusement park, that couldn’t possibly be fun, have you ever been to one of those?”

“Oh sure” he responded. “Very boring when you really think about it.” He said.

“No it’s not!” she protested.

“Yes it is, think about all the lines you have to wait in for rides, and then you get to the ride and it’s never as good as you’d think it would be for the wait. Quite boring.” He finished with that, as he often did.

“I never thought of it that way” she said drearily. “But I think the wait is worth it, even if it isn’t the best ride ever. I enjoy waiting with my friends and just talking and having fun, don’t you?”

“Friends? Oh, no I don’t have any friends. They’re far too fun for me, and I can’t have that.”

“You can have fun now you know; the fun police were abolished years ago. I think you just like being boring Bob.” Jen smiled at him. It was one of her games to try to force Bob to smile at her, even though she had never succeeded she hoped to someday.

“Well you best get going Jen, I have plenty of things to do around here.” He said, easily beating her at her silly little game.

Bob wasn’t sure what it was that had kept him from having fun when the emperor had been overthrown. Old habits I guess, he’d often say.

Bob was often asked by people how he kept himself from smiling or laughing all the time. His response was always the same, focus on the right things and any situation could be boring. Take riding a bicycle for example. How could you not enjoy that? “Well” Bob would say, “focus on all the work of riding the bike and none of the fun and it wouldn’t seem too fun to you. I just try to focus on all the bad things and then I never have any fun at all.” He’d say when asked. It helped that he was often annoyed easily too.

Now you might think the moral of the story is that you should always keep a positive attitude, but that’s not right at all. There really is no moral, but if there was it would be something like this: If you try hard enough everything can be a miserable experience.

Sometime after his talk with Jovial Jenny he had a knock on the door. It was something that happened quite often. He had many people that wanted to know more about him and how he had been the last survivor of that boring boring kingdom. He answered questions often enough that it annoyed him quite a bit. Although deep down inside him he may have enjoyed the attention, but he never would have admitted it even to himself.

When he answered the door it was his wife. His breathe left his chest and he felt lightheaded. He grabbed her and would not let go. “Honey you’ll smother him” she said. He pulled back and noticed she was holding a baby.

“What is that?” he demanded.

“It’s your son silly.” She said quite simply.

“But … you’ve been gone for years, how could that be my son?” He was perplexed.

“I have not been gone years honey. Time passes differently when you enjoy life more. I’ve been gone for less then a year. I was barely pregnant when they took me away.” She smiled, but Bob did not.

“Less then a year? That can’t be, it has felt like many more.” He felt lightheaded and had to sit down.

“Honey, have you been dreary this whole time? I hear you were the last, but it’s time to change.” She smiled again.

“Here” she said holding the baby out towards Bob. “Hold your son.” Bob took him, albeit reluctantly. He looked at the baby.

“What is his name?” Bob asked

“Robert, but I prefer Bob Jr.” She smiled again, and this time Bob could not help but smirk himself. It hurt to do so, simply because he had never used the muscles required to smile before, but that did not stop him. He looked down at his son and saw that Bob Jr. (later known as boisterous Bob) was staring right at him. Then as if he knew who it was that was holding him, he smiled. Bob could not help but smile back, even bigger then before.

Everything changed after that. Bob realized that there was no reason to be boring and dreary all the time. He was quite the changed man after that, like scrooge after his visits. It’s amazing how quickly a person can change, and fortunately for Bob he was surrounded by people who were willing to accept the changes without judgment.

In the years that followed it was not uncommon to hear Bob start giggling for no reason at all. People often asked what was so funny, he didn’t always answer but when he did his answer was this “It’s just so silly when you really think about it.”